


Working It Out

by Risti



Series: Whataya Want From Me [2]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-09
Updated: 2011-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-14 15:18:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/150644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Risti/pseuds/Risti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't give up, I'm working it out. Don't give in -- I won't let you down. It messed me up, need a second to breathe, just keep coming around... or, How Kris Allen Gave Up Everything (sort of) To Be With Adam Lambert. (Does it count as giving it up when the choice was taken away from you?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Working It Out

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a much longer fic -- novel length, even. That story still exists in my head, but will probably never make it down onto paper (or...screen) for a number of reasons, mainly that I'm no longer totally comfortable with my own characterization. Whataya Want From Me was the first Kradam fic I wrote, and my knowledge of Kris and Adam was really quite minimal at the time. Still, I had this sitting on my hard drive -- there's actually a tiny bit more of it that was written, but my lovely beta [proserpina_kore](http://proserpina-kore.livejournal.com/) helped me out by showing me that if I edited it this way, it would read as a complete fic.
> 
> It's not the story I wanted to tell -- the one in my head had complications that this only begins to hint at -- but I hope that you'll enjoy it anyhow.

You think you might have first fallen in love with Adam backstage at the finale. It was just before your duet, and you realized that if you spent the rest of your life doing nothing but singing with Adam, you'd be happy. Adam had winked at you, and you'd grinned back, and it was months before you figured out just what it was that had clicked into place at that moment.

 

Love is something that can't be quantified by how many people you give it to; can't be qualified by observers; can't be contained by labels. Love was what drove you out of the back pew and over to parts of the world where they didn't care about _who_ or _why_ but just about _what_. Love is what made you pick up your guitar, and love is what made you question if putting it down would let you do more.

 

Love is what got you up on that stage and love is why you weren't expecting to hear your name.

 

Love is what held onto you at that moment, and kept you from falling.

 

***

"I'm leaving."

 

You look up from Katy's hands, which you've been holding between yours for the last hour.

 

"Don't look at me like I'm the bad guy here, Kris. What did you honestly expect me to do?"

 

When you'd sat Katy down to explain to her about Adam, in your confusion, you still weren't sure what you were going to choose. Katy, however, took the whole concept of choice away from you when she very calmly used terms like "commitment is a daily choice" and "lack of respect" and "passive deception".

 

You still weren't expecting that.

 

"I... I'm still trying to figure out what to do here, Katy."

 

"I know you are. That's the thing, though. I don't think I can wait around for you to figure it out this time."

 

"It was one night..."

 

"It's not about the sex, Kris."

 

You blink at that. Both of you had carefully avoided that word up until now.

 

"I think that I might have actually been ok if it was just..." Katy begins and then pauses. "No. I shouldn't say that, because it would never _just_ be about sex, with you."

 

"Look, Katy, we could go to counselling. I know we haven't found a church in L.A. that seemed right, but I'm sure there's something..."

 

"Stop, Kris."

 

"I love you."

 

"I know." Katy's face looks broken. "I know. I love you too. That's why I kept hoping we could make it work. When you proposed, I said yes because I knew that it meant you were willing to work to make this relationship last. Maybe it might have, under different circumstances, but I think all this has done is to make the inevitable happen faster."

 

You feel shaken. You'd expected Katy to be upset about Adam. You'd expected her to maybe scream and yell at you about it. You'd expected, then, to work everything out about what would happen next together. You'd always figured everything out together.

 

"I don't understand," you say honestly. "Don't you even want to try to fix this?"

 

"I have been trying, Kris. I've been trying since the first time I met you and you didn't even see me as anything other than a kid. I've been trying to get you to let me past your defences, and yeah, you're good at opening up when I ask, but it's never been something that just _happens_ with us." There are tears in her eyes now for the first time. You brush them away with your thumb, before leaning down to kiss away the remaining moisture. Your heart soars a little when Katy lets you. Maybe there is still hope.

 

"You're so good at that," Katy whispers. "Taking care of me. I always thought you just weren't good at letting other people take care of you."

 

"I love taking care of you." You lift Katy's palms to your mouth now, pressing gentle kisses there. "And I've never felt like you haven't given me more than enough."

 

"Don't you see, Kris? You don't need more from me... But you let Adam do it for you right from the beginning. I don't think you could have made it through the last year without him."

 

"I don't think I can make it through the rest of my life without you."

 

"But Kris, what kind of a life would that be for me? Even if you and Adam tried to pretend it was just a friendship, even if you never spoke to him again... I'd always know you two shared a connection that I just can't compete with."

 

"I don't even know if I'm gay." It's something you haven't even thought much about yet - of all the different things about Adam that confuse you, his gender has never been at the top of the list. Now, though, it frightens you in a way that seems to consume you all at once. Is that what's wrong with you? Is that why you're not enough for Katy?

 

"Oh Kris..." Katy wraps her arms around you.

 

The hug she gives you is deep and comforting, but final.

 

"I know you still have a lot to figure out. I just can't-" her voice breaks. "I don't think I'd ever be able to get over the feeling that I wasn't enough for you. That you not only didn't trust me enough to share your pain, but that you were then able to pretend everything was okay while someone else gave you the support you didn't think I could offer." Katy looks you straight in the eye as she takes a step back. "And maybe... maybe I'm really not capable of giving you that."

 

You reach out, intending to take a step towards her, but your legs buckle, and you find yourself looking up at Katy from your knees. "Please..."

 

It's the only word your lips can form. There are a thousand arguments running through your mind, but no other words left to say.

 

Katy kneels down then, too, and her hands come up to hold your face in her palms, and then she's leaning in to kiss you. You pour everything you can't say into that kiss, begging, pleading, because how can something this good be _over_ , just like that.

 

And then it is, when Katy pulls back, and it's not like you've ever been able to hold her in one place when she wants to move.

 

"I'm gonna go to Canada." Her eyes don't meet yours anymore.

 

You nod, as if that made sense.

 

"I got offered this job - it's a crappy job, and I was going to turn it down, because it wasn't even worth thinking about making things work with me there and you here and wherever else, but I think that maybe if I took it, we could wait a few months before actually telling the world about this."

 

You narrow your eyes, because that hardly seems fair to any of you.

 

"No wait, Kris, listen to me. You are _finally_ where you should be, and I'd like to think that that's partially because of all the hard work I put in over the past seven years. It would seem like such a shame if that all fell apart now." Katy bites her lip. "Besides, I'm pretty sure half the reason I was offered this role was because I'm attached to you."

 

There's a bitter edge to her voice for the first time, and it twists something in your gut. "I'm sorry, Katy, this was supposed to be about both of our dreams coming true."

 

"And it still can be. Just not... together."

 

"I never deserved you, anyhow."

 

It's an old joke, and it slips from your lips before you can think about what you're saying. When Katy looks back at you, the tears are back in her eyes.

 

As she gets up and walks out of the room, you realize that this time, for the first time, she didn't deny it.

 

***

 

You've always felt awkward spending money extravagantly. You're standing in LAX with barely 36 hours before you have to be back in LA, but for once, you just don't care. You're in sweatpants and an old hoodie, and with the gym bag in your hand you look like any university student hopping a flight - except for the way you throw your gold card around to book the first flight possible to Arkansas.

 

It's evening when you pull up to your parents house in your rental car, and the house is dark. Belatedly you wonder if maybe you should have called before coming. Digging around on your key ring you find the one that will open up the back door. You head automatically to your old room, only to stop at the door.

 

When you and Katy decided to make LA home, you'd left the bedroom suite that had been a wedding gift from various members of your family here. It was a simple, inexpensive set that hadn't been worth moving. You spend five minutes looking at the bedding you and Katy had spent five hours picking out, before turning the light off and heading across the hall to Daniel's old room. You don't actually mean to fall asleep, but you've only had six hours of sleep over the past two days, and three of those were on the plane.

 

It's your mom who finds you. You wake up to her calling you Daniel as she touches your shoulder, so you see the shock and worry on her face when she recognizes you. It's not a look you feel a son should ever see on his mother's face, and you sit up, intending to give her a hug in reassurance, but find yourself collapsing in her arms instead.

 

As the sobs finally rip through your body, you realize that you're missing the feel of Adam's arms around you.

 

Eventually you make it back to the living room and somehow find the words to explain to your parents how your fourteen month old marriage is over. You tell them everything and nothing at the same time, because how are you supposed to admit that you were the one to go and mess up such a good thing. So you don't mention Adam, and as you find phrases like _drifting apart for months now_ and _issues from back when we were dating_ falling from your lips you realize that you're actually telling the truth. It's enough that eventually your sobs choke out words entirely again, and then both of your parents have their arms around you. They eventually guide you back to Daniel's room and tuck you into bed you feel like maybe you're a child again, like there's been some sort of reset button pressed on your life and tomorrow you'll wake up and go back to being a teenager trying to figure out what to make of the world.

 

It's a strangely comforting thought, and you cling to it even as sleep overcomes you once again.

 

***

 

The next morning Daniel somehow manages to wake you up just by _standing_ there in the doorway, staring at you.

 

"What're you doing here?" you finally mumble when he's still there the fifth time you crack your eyes open.

 

"I'm here to make sure you don't get _too_ comfortable in my room, because I'm pretty sure I read on the internet that there are people expecting you show up on tv back in L.A. tomorrow."

 

"You read about my schedule on the internet?" Your brain isn't nearly awake enough yet to deal with Daniel, nevermind the rest of you.

 

"Oh, yes, this is the life of us celebrity relatives. Did you know your groupies think I'm hot? We should totally get our own reality show."

 

Definitely not awake enough yet. "Yeah, well, that's tomorrow. In case you didn't figure it out, I came here to _hide_ until then."

 

"Too bad. We're going out for coffee, now."

 

"Coffee." You'd rather it was beer.

 

"Coffee. Don't worry. We can transition to beer at a more reasonable hour of the day. Besides, Conway finally got a Starbucks! I'm pretty sure it's because of you, somehow."

 

You groan, but realize that you probably aren't going to be able to get out of this.

 

***

 

Half an hour later you've thrown the same hoodie you hid under yesterday on with an old pair of jeans, and you're sitting down in an overly-familiar looking Starbucks, which somehow feels very wrong when mixed with the overly-familiar view out the window (you think this place used to be a convenience store or something).

 

"So," Daniel said after they'd been sitting for awhile. "I made out with a guy, once."

 

You choke on your coffee. "Excuse me?"

 

Daniel shrugs. "It was years ago. Not that big of a deal."

 

"How is that not a big deal?"

 

Daniel raises an eyebrow. "It happened, it didn't disgust me, but it didn't exactly change my life."

 

You open your mouth, and then close it again. You want to know more, but figure out how to ask.

 

Daniel only smiles at you. "It was back in high school, a guy on the squad, you know? We'd been hanging out quite a bit outside of practice, and, yeah, I figured out that he was gay, but he was cool, you know? I guess he took the fact that I didn't call him names or shove him into lockers as a sign or something, because one afternoon down in his basement he just leaned in," Daniel motioned his hands together, "and, well, yeah."

 

"And you just _let him_?" The mental images are something you never, ever expected to see.

 

Daniel shrugs again. "I didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings - I wasn't sure if I was the first guy he'd tried that with - and like I said, it didn't disgust me. I was just sort of going along, waiting to see if it would get better or worse when Paul pulled back. Said something about how he guessed we weren't all walking cliches or something, and I guess he could tell I just wasn't into it."

 

Your coffee is completely forgotten at this point. "And then what happened?"

 

"We both laughed and then we went back to playing video games. It didn't change our friendship, except that he seemed to think that since I hadn't stopped him from shoving his tongue down my throat, I wouldn't care if he drank my half-finished beers."

 

Something clicks in your mind. "Wait, is this the Paul who used to catch a ride with us all the time to the away games? The one who looked like the prom king?" You'd just sort of taken it as another sign that your brother was more popular in high school than you when he was hanging out with people who looked like that.

 

The glint in Daniel's eyes suddenly makes you feel like you've just walked into one of your brother's practical jokes. "Well, _I_ never thought about the way he looked like that, but yeah, that's probably him."

 

Oh. _Oh_. You bite your lip, suddenly feeling far too exposed, unable to make Daniel's eye. There's silence for a few moments, with Daniel sipping his coffee while you stare out at the street you used to drive down everyday to work. Finally, you couldn't stand it anymore.

 

"I made out with Adam." You can't say it any louder than a whisper.

 

You dare to look back over at Daniel, and there isn't even the slightest hint of surprise on his face. "And did it change your life?" He asks like he's asking about the weather back in L.A., before taking another sip of his coffee.

 

You try to think about the question for a minute, wanting to find the honest answer. "No," you finally say.

 

 _Now_ Daniel looks surprised, but before he can say whatever protest has crossed his mind, you rush to continue.

 

"I think," you take a deep breath, "I think my life had already changed long before that."

 

Daniel snorts and takes another sip of his drink. You can tell he wants to say more, but for once in his life he seems to be holding his tongue

 

"Just say it," you snap, bracing yourself for what's sure to be a sarcastic lecture. Your _younger_ brother likes to think he had the answer to everything.

 

"Mom thinks Katy left for another guy."

 

You blink. Among other things, you wonder how much time, exactly, your parents had to discuss this with Daniel.

 

"I heard her talking to dad last night. She thinks the only reason why you wouldn't try to fix things is if someone else was involved, and I guess you're still the golden boy who can do no wrong in her eyes."

 

That last bit was as close as you've ever heard Daniel admit to jealousy, not that there haven't been plenty of veiled references over the years. There's something you need to make clear, however.

 

"I do want to fix things, though."

 

Daniel looks puzzled, like he's actually weighing his next words over in his head, and it's making you impatient again. You gesture with your hands for Daniel to spit it out.

 

"Before, when you said you made out with him..." Daniel appears to actually be blushing, which clues you in enough that you feel your own cheeks growing warm. "What exactly did you do?"

 

 _Exactly_?You raise an eyebrow, and Daniel's brain seemed to catch up with his mouth.

 

"No, umm, I don't think I want to know _exactly_ what happened, it's just, well." He takes a deep breath. "I don't think Katy would have left you over just a kiss."

 

You're uncomfortably reminded that during most of the breaks you and Katy took during your dating years, Daniel remained firmly on Katy's side.

 

"I don't know, I think she might have," you say, because you're pretty sure she implied that. "It's like I said, though, kissing Adam wasn't so much the beginning as it was the result."

 

***

The look on Adam's face when you finally let yourself go to him two weeks later is almost enough to make you break down in tears again.

 

 _It's going to be alright._

 

This, Adam, after everything.... This has to be alright.

 

You take the few steps forward necessary to stop Adam from getting out of bed completely. Standing between his thighs, you run a hand through Adam's hair - you barely have to lean down to capture his bottom lip between yours - staying there for just a moment before turning it into a proper kiss.

 

Adam tenses up, and his arms go around you, holding you in place like he's scared you're going to go somewhere - like that was even _possible_ at this moment - before finally returning the kiss with a passion.

 

When it breaks, there are tears running down both your cheeks, and Adam's voice is broken when he finally speaks.

 

"Hello."

 

"Hi," you say again. Eventually you'll find real words.

 

"You're here." Clearly you're not the only one having difficulties with words "And you're kissing me."

 

"Yes, I am." You bit your lip. "Or rather, I was."

 

Words are really over-rated.

 

"Does that mean...?" There is longing and hope and fear in Adam's eyes, and you know that this is it. You're not quite sure if either of you know the real question being asked here, but you do know the answer.

 

"Yes."

 

That was a good word, and Adam apparently agrees, because now he's kissing you.

 

Yes, this was what you needed to do. The right decision.

 

You throw yourself into the kiss then, and when you feel Adam shaking in your arms, you can only hold him tighter. "I'm sorry," you mumble into Adam's mouth, burying your words there. "I'm so, so sorry."

 

Adam pulls back, then, just staring at you with an expression you've never seen before. You thought you'd memorized every smile and smirk and even frown that Adam adorned himself with, but this, this was different. New.

 

 _Yours_.

 

"We should talk."

 

You should, but you're so tired of talking. You stroke a finger down Adam's cheek and try to tilt his face back up for another kiss. Adam grabs your hand.

 

"No really, Kris."

 

You sigh. "I just dropped Katy off at the airport to catch a plane to Vancouver. The movers will be picking up her stuff later this week."

 

It's clear that Adam wasn't expecting that. Neither of you say anything for awhile after that, although Adam squeezes your hand like he's waiting to hear the rest; waiting to let you cry on his shoulder about this too, and suddenly, it's all just too much. You're done crying about it. Katy is never going to take you back, and Adam doesn't deserve that, not after everything you've already put him through.

 

"It's not official," you feel compelled to mention. "Yet. Not official yet."

 

Adam doesn't appear to hear you, or at least, his face doesn't change. Then he opens his mouth. "You weren't supposed to come back."

 

You freeze, then, and you'd let go of Adam, but you're pretty sure you'd faint if you weren't holding onto something.

 

"Shit!" Adam swears, but you don't really hear him. "Kris, that came out wrong. _Kris_ , look at me." Adam's fingers are on your jaw, turning you to look, but it's hard to do that through the tears that have appeared in your eyes. "I meant, well, you have a wife, and a career, and a whole bunch of other things that you really don't want to mess up."

 

"I had a wife."

 

Adam was clearly planning on saying more, but that stopped him.

 

You giggle, just a little, because you can't help yourself. You don't have a wife, and Adam doesn't want you here. "Ok, legally, I still have a wife, but she's hopping a plane to leave the country because getting her a crappy acting job was the last thing I could provide for her."

 

Adam's face has closed off, just ever so slightly, but you catch it. He's pushing back anger, and that can only mean one thing.

 

"You didn't want me to come back."

 

This time, you do attempt to pull back from Adam. Attempt being the right word, because Adam's arms are doing their death grip around your waist again.

 

"Just to be _perfectly_ clear, here, Kristopher, you've thrown your whole life away. For me."

 

Now you do push away from Adam, his arms going slack when it's clear you mean to do it this time. " _You_ told me to do this, Adam. You didn't exactly give me much of a choice."

 

"No, Kris, I told you you had to figure out what _you_ wanted."

 

This was so wrong. Why were you fighting? "I want you, Adam, isn't that enough?"

 

Adam slips a hand up to cup your cheek, but it's hesitant, like he's afraid you'll run away.

 

Run _where_ , exactly? The problem is that you're pretty much ruined for anything else at this point.

 

His thumb brushes your lips, and you open your mouth, not sucking his finger in, but allowing the tip of your tongue to touch his skin.

 

Adam takes a breath that's not quite a gasp, and then his eyes meet yours.

 

"I just don't want you to do anything you'll regret," he whispers.

 

You answer that by slipping your tongue out to draw Adam's thumb further into your mouth, feeling the texture of chipped nail polish under your teeth before your own hand rises up to hold his in place as you slowly press kisses along the palm of his hand. As your tongue traces the lifelines there, you hope that this is enough of an answer for Adam.

 

Maybe you should have stayed away longer, until you had things more sorted out in your head, but sex with Adam is like one of those drugs that can derail a person's entire life after just one hit, and you won't be able to think straight until you get your next fix. Your lips are still focused on Adam's hand as you taste each individual knuckle on his fingers, while your other hand is busy seeking out more skin.

 

It's not like Adam's skin is some big mystery to you. You memorized the pattern of the freckles on his chest back in the mansion, before you realized what that meant. You've seen Adam with make up and without, seen the lengths he'll go to to hide his skin under layers of leather and sparkles, and also the casual dignity he has when all of that is stripped away.

 

You don't know how it tastes, though, or the way it will feel under your palm, or up against your own.

 

So you slip a hand under his shirt, and as you start pulling it up Adam shivers, and you don't think it's the temperature of the room.

 

You pause for a moment, waiting to see if Adam will stop you. You're not quite sure when one of the rules in your life became _stop when Adam says stop_ , but you think it might have been a few minutes after you started following the _jump when Adam says jump_ rule. Adam just leans back, pulling you with him until he's leaning against the headboard of the bed, and you're kneeling on the bed, straddling Adam's right thigh, and thankful you left your shoes back by the front door.

 

You're still exploring the feel of Adam's chest, his shirt bunching up and getting in the way but at the moment it's enough. Adam's hands are resting on your hips, just sitting there. Not holding you in place, but not pushing you away either. Then Adam leans forwards and brushes his lips along your jawline, eventually placing a light kiss on the corner of your mouth before leaning back and away again.

 

"You deserve so much better than me, Kris."

 

 _I never deserved you, anyhow._

 

"I love you, Adam." You lean down for a brief kiss, barely pulling back before you continue, "I seem to remember you saying you felt the same way." You try to make it teasing, but you're pretty sure your nerves bleed through to reveal your fear.

 

"Yes, I did." Adam bites his lip. "I do. I love you so much it scares the shit out of me. I can't control myself around you, but I can't function without you. That's how much I love you."

 

"Then show me." You pick up Adam's hands and bring them to your chest. "I think we both deserve that."


End file.
